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[28 Sep 2001|12:02am] |
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COMMENTS DAMN IT I WANT COMMENTS YOU PEOPLE HAFTO START COMMENTING DAMN YOU
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[24 Sep 2001|04:42pm] |
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mood |
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GODLY |
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music |
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Staind - Its Been Awhile |
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THIS WILL BE MY BEST ENTRY YET!!! TRUST ME!!!!
in case your wondering why, its because im finally gonna try to let out these feelings in my that noone knows have fun reading.
------------Y'know how tired i am of listening to everyone bitch about how shitty there lives are? seriously , dont get me wrong i'll be there for you if you need it but i can only help you up , you hafto be fucking willing to yourself. I listen to myself , i listen to me yell at me, i hate me, i need to be more violent, i need to yell , i need to stop caring. i realized the only thing that can get me out of this is me. most of you reading this ---MOST--- i have no problem with save maybe one or two people , but then i know people dont read this so im just blowing shit off my mind in a completely inoffensive way. The only way to get rid of these feelings ive let build up are to yell them out. ever have those feelings where you just want to put your fist through the wall , or someone's face?, those are always with me. i need not people to survive trust me i could be fine being a hermit, people add color, unfortunately most of you add black (black meaning pain) black is a color we can all do without and im sorry i got screwed into the group with all of the people with truly black emotion. im tired of people, i try to meet new ones to get myself out of this little group , unfortunately , everyone new that i meet i seem to hate. All of you people think you know me, but when did you really take the time to stop bitching about your problems and listen to me bitch for awhile , hmmm , never. i sit in bed at nyte and cry and hate myself for it in the morn because nobody is sensitive enough to care about my problems so i dont have a release from myself, i listen to you guys damnit and in case you dont realize it, i do love you , all of you ,save one person (yea you know who you are, --thank you for showing me myself thats all i have to say to you--keep trying we may be able to be friends yet.
------------I never write in this fukkin thing because people don't want to hear about my life , well y'know what if you don't wanna hear it then don't fukkin read it, and if ya don't want either of those then fukk it why do i consider you a friend - yes it does hurt me that you guys don't care . i don't show emotion because the emotion that consumes me is anger , towards people that i know (i think the reason is obvious by now.) do u guy's notice that my smiles are never lasting or true, i bet not , bet ya dont pay enough attention to care about notice. well maybe if you really wanna be called my friend in my mind you should notice these things about me. im a very deep person trust me , most of you will never understand that because i cant let me out with you around (ask stacey about him she was the only person that took the time to notice that he was there , AND NO I DON"T THANK YOU FOR THAT) im too afraid that you wont know me or like me , hmm can you say insecurity. FUKK YOU ALL , IF MURDER WASN"T A CRIME I WOULD HAVE A LOT OF DEAD "FRIENDS".
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[29 Aug 2001|01:53am] |
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mood |
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dissected |
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music |
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NIN - The Fragile |
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SOMEWHAT DAMAGED
so impressed with all you do
tried so hard to be like you
flew to high and burnt the wing
lost my faith in everything
lick around divine debris
taste the wealth of hate in me
shedding skin succumb defeat
this machine is obsolete
made the choice to go away
drink the fountain of decay
tear a hole exquisite red
fuck the rest and stab it dead
broken bruised forgotton sore
too fucked up to care anymore
poisoned to my rotton core
too fucked up to care anymore
in the back off the side far away is a place where i hide where i
stay tried to say tried to ask i needed to all alone by myself where
were you?
how could i ever think it's funny how everything that
swore it would'nt change is different now just like you
would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart
and where were you?
how could i ever think it's funny how everything you swore would
never change is different now like you said you and me , make it
through, didn't quite, fell apart
and where the fuck where you.
this , i thought ,pertaained very much to a person i once was fool enought o care for, HA, see if you can guess
THANKS A TON TRENT!!!
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[28 Jul 2001|04:10pm] |
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mood |
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HAPPY but kinda depressed |
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music |
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DISTURBED!!!! |
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i just wanted to say that im not gonna be depressed no more and to tell certain people i hope to god you still check this that i miss them and still wish i could have just one more day , my wish came true ("i'd give up anything to be happy again") fukkin wish. unfortunetely it was the most important element of my life , you, I LOVE YOU , BIE
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[30 Jun 2001|11:49pm] |
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mood |
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suicidal |
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music |
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none just the disturbing alonness hmm its always here |
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Is a friend really a friend if he/she is only a friend when your happy? When your down are friends supposed to care? If so why is it that all of my "friends" yea you know who you are, dont care about me or my thoughts or my state of mind/being when im depressed. Would any of them actually even notice if one day i just wasnt here anymore? does anyone care? is anyone supposed to care? Will anyone ever even try to take the time to get to know me enough to even come close to healling this suffer. Please help me to help myself because i obviously arent good enough to do it myself Im running out of options im not supposed to be this way im not supposed to cry myself to sleep at night
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[25 Jun 2001|04:56pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile - 05 - We're In This Together |
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This sucks i don't wanna be depressed anymore
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[11 Jun 2001|11:18pm] |
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mood |
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insanely depressed-yep again |
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music |
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Staind - Mudshovel |
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There that certainly did it---
Well that was awfully good of me I thought Stace was gone forever and now thatnks to kelli no that's wrong to blame her thanks to me she is gone forever and tell me why should i still thank god for putting me here i'd thank him more if he'd take me away
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[10 Jun 2001|09:55pm] |
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mood |
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depressed ( surprise surprise) |
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music |
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Metallica - Nothing Else Matters |
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Damn Yo. If y'all thought breaking up with a peson is harder than hell for you, you should try falling in love with someone that is already dating one of your best friends.
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[15 May 2001|11:16pm] |
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mood |
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Depressed/Sleepy/Happy |
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music |
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Rent |
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Somebody comment on this i wrote it in 6th hour today i want to know if its good or not:
The Life Of Id
Ahh Id, no not Ed, Id. When he was born his parents noticed something was amiss with this young child, he wasn't particularily light or heavy or even late or early. Nope just a plain old human being, with the exception of the third forth and fifth arms. Id's parents hoped that hisextra limbs were just pieces of another unborn baby, and would just not grow and eventually be removed. So for the time being they just hid his extras under his shirts.
One day while buying shirts for little Id, his mommy noticed that his extra limbs were growing at the same rate as his other arms. She decided remarkably quickly that shwe would ignore the evident for the time being and not tell anyone of her discovery. She ignored this until he was 6 years old at his first pool party when he realized none of the other kids had the same number of limbs. She wouldn't let him go in the water because she didnt want anyone else to see his deformity.
Id was always a mischevious little kid and took it upon himself to decide that going in would be safe, but when he took off his shirt and jumped in all of the other kids laughed at him and kept their distance which emotionally disturbed his young mind. he did not realize people would shun him for his differences.
His motherpaid for home schooling for him so he did not have to go through the trauma of people seeing his condition. She was able to do this until his first job, an engineer, his first venture into the world that did not nor would not understand. Everybody shunned him once again except now he understood why and reacted with nothing but polite protests. When he went home to his mother that day he told herwhat had happened. She told him that sometimes he had to stand up for himself.
The next day came, Id's 19th birthday. He went to work but people once again poked fun. One man in particular. Id put up with it for as long he could and once againused only polite protest. Finally Id picked up a steel pipe that happened to be lying around from the current project they had been working on. he lifted it up behind the man's back. The man was turned around at the time. Id tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey Joey!" Id exclaimed with a sinister laugh and a grin to match
"What do you want, Freak?"
At the instant Joey turned around Id swund and implanted the pipe into the side of Joey's head. Joey fell to the floor with a blank stare on his face as blood ran down the pipe onto Id's murderous hands.
Moral: Don't shun the outcasts, you've never lived their life and don't know what they're capable of.
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| Fukk this life maybe I'll wait for the next one |
[12 May 2001|02:01pm] |
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mood |
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Suicidal |
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Rent |
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Well here I am. I just needed to talk to someone or something and since it's about the person thats usually there for me I can't talk to her. That and she isn't there for me anymore, and nobody else cares about me. Well I made the biggedst mistake of my life (Broke up with Stacey for a really stupid reason.) I've been kicking myself ever since. I tried to get her back but she doesn't want me anymore (ouch rejection sucks.) And now I can't do anything but lay around and think about her and it because I have mono. This is probally the worst feeling I've ever had.
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[07 May 2001|10:08pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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Some crap on the radio. |
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Well, i finally broke down and got this dumb thing. I hope your all happy. I'll keep it updated to the best of my ability but dont expect me to update very often
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